Introducing the Censys Host Feelings Score™

**Executive summary:** Censys published a satirical April Fools' report introducing a tongue-in-cheek "Host Feelings Score™" that characterizes Internet-facing hosts by humorous affective dimensions (banner honesty, TLS affect, port posture, certificate affect); the report outlines methodology, global score distributions, a case study, and remediation suggestions, but is explicitly non-serious and not an actual security incident.